Beach Balls and Pandora's Box

Are you forgetting the day or the time of day? Missing appointments? Not sleeping or eating properly? These are all normal and natural responses to grief. Share your experience with others.
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Kristina
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Joined: December 14th, 2013, 8:03 pm
Loss: 08 May 2017
Loved Ones Name: Donna
Second Loss: 22 Oct 2012
lontwo: Lisa 10/1/03,Katrina
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Beach Balls and Pandora's Box

Postby Kristina » March 4th, 2015, 10:28 pm

I have known people who have been through loss and tragedy and who have seemed so courageous. I always thought that I would be one of those people, mostly because, throughout my life, I have often been looked to by others as a strong person, an encourager, a woman of deep faith in God...

But, part of this grief journey for me has been coming to terms with the fact that I have not handled it gracefully. I have not been strong. I have needed a great deal of support. I often have not liked myself very much during this journey--partially, I think, because the person I always thought I was didn't seem to be anywhere to be found. Instead of strong, I have become overly sensitive. Instead of an encourager, I have needed a steady stream of encouragement. I still have deep faith in God, but I would be lying if I didn't admit that I have done a great deal of questioning and asking Him "Why" over the past couple of years.

I am not sharing this with you because I am proud of how I have handled this journey. I share it only because I suspect that I am not the only one. I have felt so alone in these feelings sometimes because it has seemed to me that everyone else is handling things so much more gracefully and with so much more strength. But, the truth is, every single one of us has no idea how grief will affect us...and most everyone walking this journey is struggling. Some just are better at holding up the mask than others. Had you told me that I would end up in such a dark, deep place of utter confusion and turmoil before October 2012, I would not have believed you. OTHER people perhaps...but not me. But, the truth is, as many have reminded me, I am human.

And, without going to deep or getting too personal, I have also learned that this journey can bring other unresolved deep hurts to the surface. I have learned that the image I had of myself was put there as a mask...to protect myself. Perfectionism, hard work, being "good", being "strong"--these were all ways of gaining acceptance by others. But, doing that took so much energy that I didn't even realize I was expending until I no longer had it. You see, grief took all of the energy I had left. And when it was stripped away, everything I had been working so hard to do--I could no longer do. It was like I had been holding a beach ball under water my whole life and whenever painful things hit, I stuffed it inside that ball. The ball got bigger and bigger and it took more and more energy to hold it underneath. So, when my friend was murdered and the energy sucked from my body by my grief, the ball came up--along with everything it contained. Pandora's Box was opened.

I hope for many of you, this is not your story. Grief is hard enough by itself. But, for anyone that may share this, I wanted you to know:
* You're not alone
* You WILL get through it
* You are NOT crazy
* God is still God
* God is not threatened by your doubts, your anger, or your insecurities...it's ok to be real with Him
* It's ok to drop your sword and stop being a soldier for a while...and allow others to care for you
* You will never be the same, but you are here for a purpose...nothing is wasted
* Despite the pain, there is freedom in opening the box and releasing the beach ball

Blessings, peace, and healing be with you,
Kristina

lyn
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Joined: April 15th, 2013, 10:17 am
Loss: 25 Jun 2007
Loved Ones Name: Lee
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Re: Beach Balls and Pandora's Box

Postby lyn » March 5th, 2015, 7:56 pm

Thank you for sharing. Lots of good thoughts.
Hugs,
Lyn


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